I believe that my season will come.
I have not been able to say this recently and I have no idea if I will be able to say it again tomorrow but for today, I believe that my season will come.
I went to church on my own again this morning and sat at the end of a row by myself. I could very easily have moved up beside the friends I spotted at the other end of the row and maybe that would have been the nice thing to do, but today I just needed some space. I wanted to avoid the question that I have been asked so much recently. It is not a bad question and nobody is doing any wrong by asking it; it just hurts me a little finding an answer because quite frankly, I do not have one.
“How is Andy doing?”
I am not here to answer that question as life feels a bit like it is caving in and I don’t have anything positive to say. I will however briefly mention (so as to not let you expect the worst) that he is healing but my goodness it is slow. Slow and soul-destroying for both of us. He remains in bed for roughly 23 hours a day and some days he doesn’t get up at all. Now this is not to do with mood or strength/energy, it is quite simply because he is on bed rest. I know that I have mentioned this before and yes, I am very aware that I am now answering the question I didn’t want to answer but that is what I end up doing every time someone asks. I haven’t found a way to avoid it yet, without turning and walking away. I promise I’m not that harsh or blunt. I think the main issue here is that I have mentioned his wound and the assumption therefore is that it will obviously have healed by now. It isn’t a bad assumption, before we experienced this I would not have been able to tell you how long the healing process would take, but let me tell you that it is slow. It will likely be another few months of bed rest and a limited lifestyle and that is not a nice thing to be aware of. Where is the hope in that? I have certainly been struggling to find it.
I’m the kind of person that likes to look for the light; to remind my friend who is sad, of all the good things in life. We all hate those people, I know but that is the way I keep going and stay positive. Some may want to punch me in the face, I however believe it to be a blessing on my life. The thing is though, it ain’t there right now. The light has gone and the resilience has dropped to levels I really don’t think I have experienced before. Take yesterday for example, I got the phone call from Andy to rush away from my very cute Saturday afternoon baby shower to deal with a pretty common issue we have. When we first dealt with this after hospital, man was it hard! But life continues and you learn to power through and deal with those things that always seem to happen in the worst moments. Yesterday was not a day for coping, it was a day to cry until my nose bled with the stress I was putting on my poor face. There wasn’t much light yesterday.
Normally I wouldn’t talk about something like this a day after it has happened, in fact you won’t really hear much from me on here when life is tough. That has a lot to do with my ability to prioritise writing in the midst of chaos, also though, it is partly due to the fact the people want us to be positive in life. Speaking out in the hard times leads to an influx of messages from kind people wishing to encourage you. It is our natural reaction as humans and I can assure you that I have often done the same thing, which is ok. It is so important to encourage each other and remind those we love of just how amazing they are doing at life, sometimes however, that just isn’t what we need.
I do feel like I need to add that although the afternoon was tough, we let ourselves go out for dinner with our family as my brother and his girlfriend aren’t able to join us this year. It was the first time we have done this since September as Andy’s really only made it as far as the doctors or the hospital since then.
Today I listened to a song being sung in church by an incredibly talented guy. I have heard it before a number of times but I obviously haven’t been paying much attention; I certainly haven’t been listening to the words well, as they sum up this season of life that we are in; they explain and give light into our winter.
Like the frost on a roseSeasons – Hillsong Worship
Winter comes for us all
Oh how nature acquaints us
With the nature of patience
Like a seed in the snow
I’ve been buried to grow
For Your promise is loyal
From seed to sequoia
Though the winter is long even richer
The harvest it brings
Though my waiting prolongs even greater
Your promise for me like a seed
I believe that my season will come
Lord I think of Your love
Like the low winter sun
As I gaze I am blinded
In the light of Your brightness
Like a fire to the snow
I’m renewed in Your warmth
Melt the ice of this wild soul
Till the barren is beautiful
I can see the promise
I can see the future
You’re the God of seasons
I’m just in the winter
If all I know of harvest
Is that it’s worth my patience
Then if You’re not done working
God I’m not done waiting
You can see my promise
Even in the winter
Cause You’re the God of greatness
Even in a manger
For all I know of seasons
Is that You take Your time
You could have saved us in a second
Instead You sent a child
And when I finally see my tree
Still I believe there’s a season to come
Like a seed You were sown
For the sake of us all
From Bethlehem’s soil
Grew Calvary’s sequoia
I just love this. I love that God placed these words onto the hearts of three guys, who coupled it together with their musical ability to bring about a song that makes me stand in my kitchen and just simply worship. To give my ‘yes’ again to God, even though I give it empty-handed. Right now I do not believe that I have much to give, and I am so aware that anything could happen in my day tomorrow, that will send me right back to yesterday’s pain. But my prayer today is simply the words of this song, God if you’re not done working, then I am certainly not done waiting.
There are times when we have moments like this and we jump the gun by thinking “amazing, now we are out of the winter”, just because we have allowed light to come in. For me, this just puts massive pressure on my life because I am in fact still in my winter, I have just allowed Jesus to join me there. It doesn’t take it away; life doesn’t get better instantly, but we have hope. Jesus is the light that shines in our darkness and He is the one that leads us into our week saying and believing that we are going to be okay. For some this makes no sense, but right now it is the only thing that I can make sense of and I pray that as we wait, we can be renewed in His warmth and know that His promise is loyal.
Do me a favour and take a minute to read back through those lyrics and listen to the song. Take away distraction and let God speak those into your life, whatever your season may be.
“For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven” Ecc 3:1