I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. I’m pretty sure I mentioned it briefly in one of my last posts but it has taken me a while to get round to writing this.
I created this blog seventeen months ago as a way to update you all about Andy. So many people were waiting to hear about his progress and I needed to find a way to update publicly, to avoid the wrong information being shared as that was really difficult. It wasn’t really that big of a deal for me, I wanted to set it up and was happy with this form of communication. I had been super sick and unable to see Andy for a few days, so I took that time to get everything sorted.
Over the next few weeks and months I continued to update you all on Andy’s progress, giving specific details for prayer and sharing some of the amazing moments of healing. It seems so strange to me that in those early posts, I talked about the fact that Andy hadn’t yet responded to commands and therefore we didn’t know if he could understand us. I obviously know that it happened, but it seems so long ago. Back then he had a lot going on and I was able to give updates regularly as the list was so long, but that did begin to change. Yes, he still has a LOT going on, but its different kinds of stuff.
So with less to update, what did I write about? Every time I sat down, I felt the Lord asking me to share the personal stuff; to be honest and transparent about how I feel, while sharing our life. I would generally be quite an open person so some things were fine. I knew I was meant to share it and it was okay, but then it became tough. I was almost embarrassed by how much I was sharing and I came to the point where I had enough! It reminded me of the ICU days when everyone kept telling me that I needed to share an update about Andy. I didn’t want to. I wasn’t ready and that was totally okay. But everyday I got pressure, “people need to know”, “a lot of people are praying and need to know specifics”. I remember getting so frustrated and wanting to scream, “the Father knows Andy’s situation, they can pray and ask for healing and surely that is enough.” My main thought that I kept coming back to was, just because people are praying for us, does not mean that they have a right to our life. I was feeling this way again. So annoyed that I “had” to share our life, when I just wanted to struggle on my own without a bunch of people watching. If you haven’t already guessed, this was all happening at the end of last year and caused the four month break for ‘Today I Choose Joy’.
I previously mentioned a particular church service that I listened to about Obedience and I would like to now share the significance of it on my life. I listened to this in my house whilst doing some housework. It was coming through the speaker in the hall so that I could hear it in every room. Dana Masters was speaking on obedience, something that I didn’t realise was so significant for me at the time. I listened to this amazing woman share her heart and explain how we don’t always have to like what God has called us into. It was in those moments that the past six months seemed to make a little more sense. I recalled one specific day that I could probably best describe as a bit of a breakdown. I was so angry. Why was our life on show? Why do I need to share our life with people? I don’t know if Andy knew what to do as I just couldn’t stop crying. I feel like I say it so often but I really don’t cry that much, so when I do it’s normally a little ‘cray’. This however was on another level and Andy’s every attempt at cheering me up just wasn’t going to work (he is very good at that). I deactivated my Facebook and wrote a super long post for my Instagram to wish you all goodbye and ask you to be nicer human beings. I was being very dramatic but I was really hurting. Hurting about the constant instructions on how to communicate with people and just raging that this was creating a problem on our already difficult life.
It all became pretty clear when I was hanging up my washing that day. God was calling me into something and I wasn’t happy about it. The blog that I was so happy to start became difficult and I didn’t like what I was being asked to do. It’s like I had forgotten that this call was from God. I was mistaking His voice for people around me. To be totally honest, at that point they probably weren’t putting any pressure on me and I was more than likely finding someone to blame, avoiding being obedient (but without even realising, if that makes any sense at all).
Dana sang a song during that service, one that I heard live at her recent gig, but it felt like the first time I’d heard it. I’m actually listening to it right now as I type. Dana, we need this on another EP to listen to in the car, please and thank you.
You’ve been asking me to do this,
Told you I would get to it,
You and I know the truth is I’m terrified.
It was so easy just pretending,
Playing it safe and never risking,
I just wish I knew the ending,
Now I’m coming out of hiding,
No more running no more fighting,
I’m putting it all on the line and I’m terrified.
They say courage ain’t fearless,
Oh but it has to be selfless,
And I know I ain’t there yet, I’m terrified.
Oh will I ever feel worth it,
Ever feel like I am deserving,
Been sitting here waiting for the perfect,
And are you gonna say something,
I’m right here, are you coming,
I’m giving it all, withholding nothing, I’m terrified.
They say courage ain’t fearless,
But it has to be selfless,
And I know I ain’t there yet,
But I’m here, I am here.
Even though, I’m terrified.
We don’t always have to like what God is calling us into and it may not be nice at the time, but as we walk closer with Him, the desires of our heart will align with His. The thing that you really didn’t want to do will bring you so much joy and a thankful heart. I don’t always love the feeling of sharing, but when I write it does my heart good. Sometimes I even get to see the purpose of it and that’s a great day.
“If you love me, keep my commands.” John 14:15